Deteriorate, me, you, and the world

Our careless feet leaving trails.
Never minding the fragile dirt, We all end in.

Those are the lines from one of my fav songs.. "Deteriorate" by Demon Hunter
I love that song, its filled with emotion and meaning. Well, to me at least....
When I've got the blues, this is prob the first song I'll wanna hear.

[Departed Soul and Mind]
Anyways enough about the song. Its time to jot down my depression. People usually feel better after sharing their problems. Well this ain't really sharing, but its the best choice for me. I mean comeon, I have a right to destress too.. Right? I mean, how strong MUST a MAN be? How invulnerable must a MAN be? Im just a kid. Despite the praise I get for my independence and maturity, I feel like Im most vulnerable and the youngest around. Despite all my efforts to stay strong, I feel weak.

There lies the question, When will I be a Man? Some wish to never grow up. In my case, I MUST grow up. Or I wont be able to save this collasping family. PFF What family... The fracture is all too clear now...



[And another for the kind]

"The magic of making up" by T.W Jackson..
Its the first online book I've ever purchased. I still remember that bitter feeling of despair. Looking for solutions and finally I stumbled upon this book. I thought this was it, this is gonna solve all my problems. Ill be me again and everything would fall back into place. Ill be at your side once again.

The first Chapter "Accepting the break up"
Fuck.. I still remember how I felt right after reading that chapter.. I was utterly confused.. I mean, Im tryin to save something that meant the world to me. And here this book told me to accept it? GTFO..

But it wasnt untill I read the whole book did I really reflect on anything. And with a heavy heart, I discovered theres no way back. Theres no way back, but a way to move forward to a new chapter.

Thats exactly what I did. I discarded my old self. I did the best to change into something else. But theres a loop hole. YOU didnt change. You didnt forget me, you left me in your heart.

Once again Im confused. Theres just too much overwhelming me. A hundred thoughts happy and sad, angry and maddening, all twisting into a disfigured image of you.


I just wish I knew how to move on from here. I mean I never left your heart? Are you freakin serious? So what now? Am I supposed to take a step closer to you again? Am I supposed to try again? O.. Thats right it might not even be me.. It could be that other guy you left me for. I mean he was JUST ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS aye? I still remember how you compared me to him. And how shattered I was.


It haunts me. How easily I was replaced. Can you imagine? If I were with you again?
Get this, a new guy appears. Hes 10x Richer, more handsome, more humerous, better in bed and all that other stuff you like. And the catchline? Hes DEEPLY into you and I mean both literally and otherwise.

Ill make my bet that Ill get discarded w/o a second thought.

And comes the thought.. Are all girls like this? Logically, I would guess any woman would dump their current man for a better one be it for riches, beauty, or even soul.

Jajaja~

Thats how animes usually bring in something shocking (but most of the time lame) into a scene. Im not sure why they do it but I thought it might have some impact here XP

Anyways this small breaktime Im getting is awesome. Bought Starcraft 2 (It owns seriouslly) played the solo ladders and got into the gold division! (Double woot)
Currently at rank 10 but I ran out of bonus points =P. SO its gonna be a lot harder to rank up now.

Apart from games student project is comming up. Im aleady getting the chills just from thinking about it. Somehow things dont always go as planned. Last GDEV was horrible, my team and I didnt manage to finish the project on time. Hope we passed at least.

O wells.. Ima head out swimming or something. Gotta relax more CHAO.



[A short.. erm poem? by me]

If U said U miss me
The largest smile would appear
If U said U love me
All the pain disappears

But alas, not so happy is my fate
For I would probably be the last
That you would choose to date
So is this pain, I would hold and cherish
For its the last memories.. You left me with.. when you perished..

"That too shall Pass"

I like that phrase a lot.. It never fails to bring me back to reality.. Because in reality nothing lasts forever..

"That pain ure feeling right now.. It wont last.."
"That happiness ure enjoying right now.. It wont last.."
"This life ure living.. It wont last too.."

Like they said, everything with a beginning has an end. Simple logic right here.
However one word that loses worth with this phrase, Love. I think everyone can see where im heading with this.. so I wont elaborate any further.

Well Im off.. Gotta do my Physics Assignment b4 I collaspe from exhaustion.



We all feel down sometimes
Just so happens im down now
So who pulls u back up
When ure the only guy around

Back for More!! XXIV

(INTRO v.01)
HOsehhh Welcome me back to bloggin *applause here*
Had that weird sudden urge to blog, not sure why but at least im in a semi-good mood.
Come to think of it, the recent increase in swimming sessions might be lifting my depression really well. Gotta thank all my bugs.. I mean BUDS for being such.. well.. pals!! hehe.. But anyways.. The North Gang have been really fun but sometimes I wish I would hang with everyone equally.. Gosh aint they all a fun bunch huh?

(BODY v0.2)
But its not been all fun and games all this while. Recently Ive been struggling in my GDev, due to the fact that the coding level has upped a notch ( more like 100x ).. I kinda understand my mistakes but I guess since I cant fix them.. It must mean that I dont understand ( mmm ironic isnt it? ) But alls not lost, at least my groupmates are a hardworking bunch and trying.. somewhat their best..

(♫♫♫♫ v0.3)
So Ill be the DJ and Ull be the singer.. Can I get a woop woop? Hehe.. Starting to think of forming an E-Band.. Needa find a co-composer first.. any hands raised out there? =P

(OUTRO v0.4)
Time to buzz off for me now.. Ive gots a GDC (Games developer Compeition) meeting earlt 2mrw so I gotza needs my sleep.. Oyasumi all..


( XXIV?? Well I just had to put that for fun!! =P )


[ A random poem by me ]
If you and I
Were as one
and If i were gone
You would be done
Was it true?
That it was never meant
It was a fools love
That has come undone

Ever-ish

(My faith in us)
You may never understand me... I may never understand you... Infact, I cant give a damn if I ever do... What counts is that we can be together forever.. My love for you true and undying.. its gold and everlasting.. No matter how long or hard I try, I can never truly fall out of love with you..

(Like a rose in winter)
You have seduced me. You have me on a leash. But you stopped caring. I can't break free. I can't stop obeying, those sucide inducing commands. The madness of being inbetween. The insainty of your calm.

(Has befallen an illness)
I want you back... I can keep saying that but it'll never come true.. That much I'm sure because its as if I never existed in your life.. I never helped you.. I never pulled you out.. I never cared for you.. I have never kept you warm.. I have never longed your touch..... I have never... loved you..

(Thats cold to the touch)
Im inbetween, caught somewhere... I cant find my way out.. I need some help.. A push or a pull.. Only you can do it... only you can.. Just a little tug... or a little push.. Stop ignoring me.. Stop walling yourself in.. Just this once.. Will you let me talk to your heart?



But theres always hope in the next season.. A budding new rose.. A new relation..

Inconsistency

Woot I’m an inconsistent blogger! Well if I blog too often that might be a problem since I only blog when I peak in a certain emotion (Happy, sad, blah blah blah). Not to mention the lack of free time to blog. Yesterday was awkward much, in the morning had 30 minutes of GDEV (It’s supposed to last 3 hours, but since the tutor gave us the prep-codes it’s just a matter of CTR-C, CTR V) followed by lunch with my mates and “J2ME – ing” in the library with Wan Zi. We were supposed to chiong our project so that we would have something to show by the end of the week to our tutors BUT we ended up falling ASLEEP for an entire HOUR LOL FAIL MUCH!! But not all was wasted, Wan Zi shared with me her wisdom on relationships and I saw Wan Zi’s hidden mature and womanly nature =P That’s a good thing BTW. After our session in the library, I stayed behind till 6.30 to do Program Physics. Group mate Hadi sent me the codes and it took me 2 hours to finally figure out what he was trying to do in his codes. Im not a master coder or anything but his stuff seemed rather... Rigid lol...
Went to meh CCA after all that work. Live Audio, is incredibly boring but I’ll stick on till the training is over and check out the ACTUAL activities of the CCA. 3 more weeks of training! Met 3 other new members, Fizzy/Fuzah , fuzzy/ Farhah, and jia/jie hue/hua? Shit I cant remember their names LOL, but I’m pretty sure its somewhere along those lines.

"We walked along the lonely street in the dead of the night. My arm around your waist and yours around mine.. walking slowly, enjoying the moonlight and each others company. What time was it? 2am? 3? Cant remember now.. Wad I do remember is you wore my white shirt, and I must have said that it looked a lot better on you than me. For I remember the smiles we exchanged as we walked down the road.

Man, I miss that.. It felt like we were eloping or something.. It was great.. We were, free.. I had no work, we escaped your parents.. we had no cares.. free to love each other with nothing inbetween us."

Something is missing..
From my mind..
Something you gave..
It defied the hand of time..

Deep within my soul and heart..
I search for an answer..

There, a whisper from the void came..
Said "Love, no more...
Give up the chase...
For in this race, it has no place..
for you..
no more.."

I clenched my fist in anger and cried me a bath.

Day 2, The start of a love's death

I always try my best to express myself but somehow people always misinterpret me. In fact not too long ago I lost a friend because she misunderstood my expression of self. Perhaps I was too confident that she wouldn’t abandon me despite my dark side. Nether the less, I shall try to open up less to people in that manner, for it seems to cause more chaos than enlightenment.

“The love of my life is gone. She has found someone else to love and cherish her. She has probably forgotten me.” Is what I want to say. Pff, but my mind likes to play tricks on me. It likes to go deeper into thought and solve non-existent riddles that surround my being. It’s no doubt my ego talking, but there’s also inferences from behaviour.

EGO:
You don’t actually know what you want, you still have feelings for me, but you are too hurt because of my actions and now you fear me. Thus you turn away from me and try to find a shelter for your heart with another guy. You might get hurt again, or even abused. O god, I can bring up another topic on this.. But I won’t much too confidential for here..

ANGER:
I can’t stand it when you aren’t sure of yourself. In fact, I can’t stand myself either! Fuck, I always have troubles expressing myself and this time its cost me a lot. I need you to be clearer. If you are clearer, I can understand you better and maybe I’ll be clearer to you as well. My feelings always revolved around you and you know it. Every time I see you sad, I get stabbed in the heart. When you smile, I’m in heaven. It’s that simple!

SADNESS:
I can’t handle this. It’s too painful for me. I keep getting depressed, I mean, I loved you so much cherished you with all I got but suddenly it all amounted to nothing. It’s really hurtful. What more, I couldn’t handle my feelings and suddenly I lost all control. I’ve hurt you so badly still and I can never forgive myself for that. I really wanted to be with you forever, make you the happiest girl in the world. What makes me even more depressed is my cure. I have to forget you in order for me to carry on. I need to sacrifice your being within me or I might not make it myself.

HAPPYNESS:
I want that. But I’m confuse if it’s supposed to be you or not. I can’t hide the fact that I’m happy with you around me even when we just sat beside each other silently. Remember those early mornings close to your O-Levels? You would wake up earlier to meet me at the staircase and I would bring you breakfast. When we finished, you would just sit beside me quietly, sometimes resting you head on my shoulders. If heaven was real, it was back then, with you by my side.

WISHES:
I want you back. There’s a closing window of opportunity but it’s getting smaller and smaller with each passing day. I’ll be really honest here. If I can’t get you back we can’t be friends because I know I’ll slowly die from the inside. If I can’t get you back, I must fully remove you. And even if you do come back, are you prepared to face all the problems we once had with me? Or will you abandon halfway and say there’s nothing left here.

Both choices are hard and painful, but which one is more worth it?

Do I even stand a chance at getting you back?

I’m still trying to find those answers.