Ever-ish

(My faith in us)
You may never understand me... I may never understand you... Infact, I cant give a damn if I ever do... What counts is that we can be together forever.. My love for you true and undying.. its gold and everlasting.. No matter how long or hard I try, I can never truly fall out of love with you..

(Like a rose in winter)
You have seduced me. You have me on a leash. But you stopped caring. I can't break free. I can't stop obeying, those sucide inducing commands. The madness of being inbetween. The insainty of your calm.

(Has befallen an illness)
I want you back... I can keep saying that but it'll never come true.. That much I'm sure because its as if I never existed in your life.. I never helped you.. I never pulled you out.. I never cared for you.. I have never kept you warm.. I have never longed your touch..... I have never... loved you..

(Thats cold to the touch)
Im inbetween, caught somewhere... I cant find my way out.. I need some help.. A push or a pull.. Only you can do it... only you can.. Just a little tug... or a little push.. Stop ignoring me.. Stop walling yourself in.. Just this once.. Will you let me talk to your heart?



But theres always hope in the next season.. A budding new rose.. A new relation..

Inconsistency

Woot I’m an inconsistent blogger! Well if I blog too often that might be a problem since I only blog when I peak in a certain emotion (Happy, sad, blah blah blah). Not to mention the lack of free time to blog. Yesterday was awkward much, in the morning had 30 minutes of GDEV (It’s supposed to last 3 hours, but since the tutor gave us the prep-codes it’s just a matter of CTR-C, CTR V) followed by lunch with my mates and “J2ME – ing” in the library with Wan Zi. We were supposed to chiong our project so that we would have something to show by the end of the week to our tutors BUT we ended up falling ASLEEP for an entire HOUR LOL FAIL MUCH!! But not all was wasted, Wan Zi shared with me her wisdom on relationships and I saw Wan Zi’s hidden mature and womanly nature =P That’s a good thing BTW. After our session in the library, I stayed behind till 6.30 to do Program Physics. Group mate Hadi sent me the codes and it took me 2 hours to finally figure out what he was trying to do in his codes. Im not a master coder or anything but his stuff seemed rather... Rigid lol...
Went to meh CCA after all that work. Live Audio, is incredibly boring but I’ll stick on till the training is over and check out the ACTUAL activities of the CCA. 3 more weeks of training! Met 3 other new members, Fizzy/Fuzah , fuzzy/ Farhah, and jia/jie hue/hua? Shit I cant remember their names LOL, but I’m pretty sure its somewhere along those lines.

"We walked along the lonely street in the dead of the night. My arm around your waist and yours around mine.. walking slowly, enjoying the moonlight and each others company. What time was it? 2am? 3? Cant remember now.. Wad I do remember is you wore my white shirt, and I must have said that it looked a lot better on you than me. For I remember the smiles we exchanged as we walked down the road.

Man, I miss that.. It felt like we were eloping or something.. It was great.. We were, free.. I had no work, we escaped your parents.. we had no cares.. free to love each other with nothing inbetween us."

Something is missing..
From my mind..
Something you gave..
It defied the hand of time..

Deep within my soul and heart..
I search for an answer..

There, a whisper from the void came..
Said "Love, no more...
Give up the chase...
For in this race, it has no place..
for you..
no more.."

I clenched my fist in anger and cried me a bath.

Day 2, The start of a love's death

I always try my best to express myself but somehow people always misinterpret me. In fact not too long ago I lost a friend because she misunderstood my expression of self. Perhaps I was too confident that she wouldn’t abandon me despite my dark side. Nether the less, I shall try to open up less to people in that manner, for it seems to cause more chaos than enlightenment.

“The love of my life is gone. She has found someone else to love and cherish her. She has probably forgotten me.” Is what I want to say. Pff, but my mind likes to play tricks on me. It likes to go deeper into thought and solve non-existent riddles that surround my being. It’s no doubt my ego talking, but there’s also inferences from behaviour.

EGO:
You don’t actually know what you want, you still have feelings for me, but you are too hurt because of my actions and now you fear me. Thus you turn away from me and try to find a shelter for your heart with another guy. You might get hurt again, or even abused. O god, I can bring up another topic on this.. But I won’t much too confidential for here..

ANGER:
I can’t stand it when you aren’t sure of yourself. In fact, I can’t stand myself either! Fuck, I always have troubles expressing myself and this time its cost me a lot. I need you to be clearer. If you are clearer, I can understand you better and maybe I’ll be clearer to you as well. My feelings always revolved around you and you know it. Every time I see you sad, I get stabbed in the heart. When you smile, I’m in heaven. It’s that simple!

SADNESS:
I can’t handle this. It’s too painful for me. I keep getting depressed, I mean, I loved you so much cherished you with all I got but suddenly it all amounted to nothing. It’s really hurtful. What more, I couldn’t handle my feelings and suddenly I lost all control. I’ve hurt you so badly still and I can never forgive myself for that. I really wanted to be with you forever, make you the happiest girl in the world. What makes me even more depressed is my cure. I have to forget you in order for me to carry on. I need to sacrifice your being within me or I might not make it myself.

HAPPYNESS:
I want that. But I’m confuse if it’s supposed to be you or not. I can’t hide the fact that I’m happy with you around me even when we just sat beside each other silently. Remember those early mornings close to your O-Levels? You would wake up earlier to meet me at the staircase and I would bring you breakfast. When we finished, you would just sit beside me quietly, sometimes resting you head on my shoulders. If heaven was real, it was back then, with you by my side.

WISHES:
I want you back. There’s a closing window of opportunity but it’s getting smaller and smaller with each passing day. I’ll be really honest here. If I can’t get you back we can’t be friends because I know I’ll slowly die from the inside. If I can’t get you back, I must fully remove you. And even if you do come back, are you prepared to face all the problems we once had with me? Or will you abandon halfway and say there’s nothing left here.

Both choices are hard and painful, but which one is more worth it?

Do I even stand a chance at getting you back?

I’m still trying to find those answers.

My First Post shiit..

My first post. Finally some use for those HTML lessons I received during Sem1. Now some of you might wonder why I bothered to make a blog. Well its simple really, I wish to express myself and decided that a blog would do that nicely. Its also good practice for my HTML skills anyways. Now Im not gonna write in perfect english in all my posts but neither are all of my posts gonna be in slang and singlish heeh.

And now for the main course..

I am.. Pissed.. No that’s not the word. Distressed or sad maybe, I can’t put my finger on it but these emotions overwhelm my soul and mind. The reason? Perhaps I rediscovered (Yes rediscovered, it’s shameful to not learn from ones past mistakes but it happens) that I have been discarded or maybe I’m feeling betrayed. But one thing is for certain, I am angry at myself for submitting to these emotions. I am angry. Yes. Angry. Furious and yet somehow sad.
I can only ask myself these questions, is this how I really feel? Am I being truthful to myself? Or am I placing myself into another illusion. Escaping my reality, trying to flee from all the angst and sadness that has become me.
I can’t find the answer to those questions.


“ I can never say things right. I can never say what I mean and I can never fully express myself to you(all). That’s my biggest regret.” – DJ ChrissEmo