Day 2, The start of a love's death

I always try my best to express myself but somehow people always misinterpret me. In fact not too long ago I lost a friend because she misunderstood my expression of self. Perhaps I was too confident that she wouldn’t abandon me despite my dark side. Nether the less, I shall try to open up less to people in that manner, for it seems to cause more chaos than enlightenment.

“The love of my life is gone. She has found someone else to love and cherish her. She has probably forgotten me.” Is what I want to say. Pff, but my mind likes to play tricks on me. It likes to go deeper into thought and solve non-existent riddles that surround my being. It’s no doubt my ego talking, but there’s also inferences from behaviour.

EGO:
You don’t actually know what you want, you still have feelings for me, but you are too hurt because of my actions and now you fear me. Thus you turn away from me and try to find a shelter for your heart with another guy. You might get hurt again, or even abused. O god, I can bring up another topic on this.. But I won’t much too confidential for here..

ANGER:
I can’t stand it when you aren’t sure of yourself. In fact, I can’t stand myself either! Fuck, I always have troubles expressing myself and this time its cost me a lot. I need you to be clearer. If you are clearer, I can understand you better and maybe I’ll be clearer to you as well. My feelings always revolved around you and you know it. Every time I see you sad, I get stabbed in the heart. When you smile, I’m in heaven. It’s that simple!

SADNESS:
I can’t handle this. It’s too painful for me. I keep getting depressed, I mean, I loved you so much cherished you with all I got but suddenly it all amounted to nothing. It’s really hurtful. What more, I couldn’t handle my feelings and suddenly I lost all control. I’ve hurt you so badly still and I can never forgive myself for that. I really wanted to be with you forever, make you the happiest girl in the world. What makes me even more depressed is my cure. I have to forget you in order for me to carry on. I need to sacrifice your being within me or I might not make it myself.

HAPPYNESS:
I want that. But I’m confuse if it’s supposed to be you or not. I can’t hide the fact that I’m happy with you around me even when we just sat beside each other silently. Remember those early mornings close to your O-Levels? You would wake up earlier to meet me at the staircase and I would bring you breakfast. When we finished, you would just sit beside me quietly, sometimes resting you head on my shoulders. If heaven was real, it was back then, with you by my side.

WISHES:
I want you back. There’s a closing window of opportunity but it’s getting smaller and smaller with each passing day. I’ll be really honest here. If I can’t get you back we can’t be friends because I know I’ll slowly die from the inside. If I can’t get you back, I must fully remove you. And even if you do come back, are you prepared to face all the problems we once had with me? Or will you abandon halfway and say there’s nothing left here.

Both choices are hard and painful, but which one is more worth it?

Do I even stand a chance at getting you back?

I’m still trying to find those answers.